Write your Eulogy

On Friday night a friend of mine asked me to take him to LA to pick up an item that he has recently purchased. Usually, I would have told him no because the truth is that I despise driving in California however, my friend was not feeling well and I felt that the least I could do was be his chauffer to insure that he gets to his destinations safely. Those of you who have driven with me know that I do not have a light foot. However, I have been trying to stay within the speed limit to insure that I do not get a speeding ticket that I would not be able to pay for. So as the story goes we were traveling in the carpool lane at approximately 85 miles an hour then I start swerving, my friend inquires if I was ok when I realize that my contacts are irritating me and causing my visions to be affected.

I am currently wearing Night and Day contacts which are the best contacts ever invented because you can sleep in them, the only challenge is that I have been sleeping in them for about two months without taking them out. Anyway, I swiftly exited the carpool lane because I could not see the divider and felt as if any minute I would crash into it. As soon as I exited the lane a Jeep zooms past me in the car pool lane the attempts to exit the lane, across the double yellow lines, not realizing that there was a van on his side. The Jeep driver was a half inch away from hitting the van when he realized what was happening he then swerved back into the carpool lane. However, he overcompensated and the side of his jeep began dragging across the divider, sparks were flying everywhere. Then to my surprise the Jeep flew about eight feet straight up into the air, flipped four times before landing face down on the hood. Pieces of the Jeep were flying in every direction.

All I could do was compress my indicator to move into the right lane to insure that we did not get hit my any of the debris. My traveling companion calmly instructed me to keep driving as stopping with be dangerous. He telephoned the police all the while asking me if I was ok, I continued to reply yes, however, the truth was that I was far from ok. I wanted to pull over the car and cry, I wanted to cry for the people that were in that Jeep, for their friends and family, I wanted to cry for all of the hurtful things they said an now would never be able to take back, I wanted to cry for the birthdays and Christmas’s that would be had without them. I wanted to cry for the births that they would not witness, for the children that might have been the car that would never have their first kiss, that would never be told by the one that they loved “I love you too,” I wanted to cry for the kid in their class that had a crush on them that did not have the guts to tell them and now never would be able to, but most importantly I wanted to cry for me.

I wanted to cry for all of the things that I have done that I have never forgiven myself for, I wanted to cry because although I am not worthy God has speared my life once again, I wanted to cry for all of the second chances I have received and did not deserve, I wanted to cry because I can still tell my loved ones that I love them, I wanted to cry!

I was able to be a big girl and keep it in, I was able to continue to drive through all of my emotions and thoughts because I know my companion was not well enough to but would if I needed him to because that is the kind of man he is. We talked on the way to our destination and realized that if I had not switched lanes when I did that Jeep would have landed on us. We talked about if his other friend would have taken him that would have stayed in the carpool lane and might not bee here right now. We thanked God for his mercies and contemplated all of the “what ifs.” The truth is you can not anticipate what will happen to you in the next day, minute, or even the next second, you have to make a decision now about your life and how you are going to live it, what is important to you, what you want your legacy to be.

All week I have been thinking about this accident and thinking of the different possibilities of who was in the Jeep. I have been thinking about life and love and the things that we take for granted. I have been thinking about my eulogy and what the people who knew me would say about me when I die. I want great things to be written in my eulogy, I want my funeral to be a celebration of a life well lived, a life that touched and inspired everyone I came in contact with. The truth is I have to do more than want a great eulogy I have to write it, I have to write it with my actions and the way I love people, I have to write in the way I give to others and smile, I have to write it as I live my everyday life.

Life is so short and can end in unexpected ways at unexpected times so we need to learn how not to sweat the small stuff, we need to let some things go, we need to live without fear and tell the people we love that we love them, we need to also show them that we love them in the way they understand. We need to show love to the people we come in contact with on a daily basis, on our jobs, in the store, in the street, in our homes. The truth is when you die you will leave an impression on the lives that you have come in contact with; the type of impression is up to you! Live your life to positively affect the people that you come in contact with, write the eulogy that will touch the lives of others long after you have gone!

Rediscovering Kanita one month in

So it has officially been one month since I embarked on my personal journey. The truth is that I did not realize it until my brother called me to see how I was coming (and to yell at me for all of the excuses I was making). It is also true that I was not going to write anything tonight because I am busy but I have decided to stop making excuses.

After I got of the phone with Shawn I began to comtemplate my journey and the reasons for it, and the reasons that I choose to tag(invite) certain people along with me on my journey. The truth is I choose the individuals carefully, individuals who I have a close relationship with, individuals who I know will help me be the best me possible. Unfortunettly I have been dissapointed with people throughout this journey, some people I have not heard from or spoken to since beginning this journey and that is very saddening. I then had to refocuse my thoughts and realize that my life is about me, if people choose to be a part of it our accompany me on my journey then thats great however, if they choose to leave me by the wayside then I have to be ok with that as well.

I had begun to think that my journey was a waste but I know see that it has taught me a great deal, I have become a stronger person and learned to rely on myself. I have learned to make decisions that make me happy reguardless of those around me, because the truth is those around me have not been thinking about me for a long time. This journey has taught me to be ok with that, it has taught me to be ok the the phone calls that are not returned, the text message and face book relationships, with the friends who are friends when they need something and not just because they want to be friends. I know that it is very easy to become self centered, it is easy for people to be so preoccupied with their lives and their situations that they forget about the people in their lives, the only difference now is that it does not bother me, I have come to grips with it and accept it for what it is. This journey has taught me not to take the selfishness personally becuase in this aspect of life people are just not as evolved as I am.

My journey is not over, I have a long way to go. I have been working on some goals but I have also been making a good amount of excuses. Thank you Shawn for shutting me down when I try to explain my failure, that for caring enough to check in on me. Thank you Jojo for trying to keep me in church even when I did not want to go. Thank you Juile on giving me feedback and encourgement to keep pressing on.

My journey is not over but I am workign on it!