Rediscovering Kanita

So I woke up this morning and realized that I was alone, no I am not lonely (not really anyway) I am just alone! The only person that I can really rely on and count on in this life is myself (and God of course). So with this new found knowledge I started to think “what now?” Do I try to find people to surround myself with so that I am no longer alone? I really don’t think that is the answer, I think that answer is to optimize my aloneness and really, truly find happiness internally.

So recently (and currently) a classmate from undergrad (who I JUST realized has a lot in common with me) has embarked on a journey, I have begun thinking to myself “that sounds great! I need to go on a life Journey; I need to be comfortable in my OWN skin regardless of who is around.” I have been telling myself for a while that I need to work on my life goals and work on me. So why now you ask? Why in this Way? WELL…. First of all I was truly inspired by this classmate who has made her journey public, (while very nerve racking) it gives you accountability, you have the WHOLE facebook community to answer to. My second reason for choosing now is my pseudo relationship; I won’t give you all of the information but I am currently in a pseudo relationship (and have been for 6mts) with a man who was confessed with his mouth that he is in love with me. Hummmmmmmmm I say “confessed with his mouth” because his actions have not (recently anyway) backed up those three words that he loves to tell me. The sad part is I find myself making excuses for why his MO has changed since he declared his undying love for me; the truth is that it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I continue to subject myself to secondary treatment, I am (and have never been) a secondary person.

For the past year my mother has continued to tell me “you used to be amazing, extraordinary, now you are just common.” WOW!!!!!!!! Every time she says that to me my heart breaks, I get angry at her, I think that she is being rude and say “well you just don’t know me anymore, you think you do but you don’t.” However, the truth is I don’t know me anymore! I have become this person who settles….YIKES, who does that? The Kanita who my mom remembers isn’t the Kanita who I like to think I am, but my actions are totally saying something different! My actions are screaming “I don’t deserve the best so you don’t have to give it to me” and that is the total OPPISITE of true!!! I am awesome, wonderful, smart, funny, intelligent, kind, loving, giving, (well you get the point) so why am allowing this “pseudo” this “situation” to treat me like I need him? Like I don’t deserve the royal treatment that he once bestowed on me (Don’t get me wrong I TRULY care about this individual or I would not have been talking to him for 6mts…YIKES…it has been 6mts, he has a good part of my heart, but the challenge is he does not realize that he is not treating my heart as well as it deserves to be).

But I digress, this is not about him (for confidentiality we will just call him pseudo from now on LOL) It is not about my mother, it is about ME and my mind set, about what I feel like I am worth. I know my worth however, I am acting like someone who is “desperate for love” and NOTHING is further from the truth!

So to come up with my goals to bring me back to this wonderful person who my mother keeps telling me about…hummmmmmm ( Julie this is a lot harder then I thought, I think I will steal some of yours since we are soul mates anyway :D)
Ok friends so I am on this Journey to rediscover the Kanita that my mom longs for and I am asking you all to be my accountability partners, I am asking you all because I know you love me and I know you want the best for me!

This is what I will be working on from now until the end of the year…

1) Read 4 books
2) Date myself once a week
3) Spend Sunday’s out of the house culturing myself / taking pictures
4) Go to church every week unless I am sick (I might need you all to help me with this)
5) Finish 3 miles at least 4 times a week
6) Start writing again
7) Laugh everyday
8) Attend at least 2 plays