Write your Eulogy

On Friday night a friend of mine asked me to take him to LA to pick up an item that he has recently purchased. Usually, I would have told him no because the truth is that I despise driving in California however, my friend was not feeling well and I felt that the least I could do was be his chauffer to insure that he gets to his destinations safely. Those of you who have driven with me know that I do not have a light foot. However, I have been trying to stay within the speed limit to insure that I do not get a speeding ticket that I would not be able to pay for. So as the story goes we were traveling in the carpool lane at approximately 85 miles an hour then I start swerving, my friend inquires if I was ok when I realize that my contacts are irritating me and causing my visions to be affected.

I am currently wearing Night and Day contacts which are the best contacts ever invented because you can sleep in them, the only challenge is that I have been sleeping in them for about two months without taking them out. Anyway, I swiftly exited the carpool lane because I could not see the divider and felt as if any minute I would crash into it. As soon as I exited the lane a Jeep zooms past me in the car pool lane the attempts to exit the lane, across the double yellow lines, not realizing that there was a van on his side. The Jeep driver was a half inch away from hitting the van when he realized what was happening he then swerved back into the carpool lane. However, he overcompensated and the side of his jeep began dragging across the divider, sparks were flying everywhere. Then to my surprise the Jeep flew about eight feet straight up into the air, flipped four times before landing face down on the hood. Pieces of the Jeep were flying in every direction.

All I could do was compress my indicator to move into the right lane to insure that we did not get hit my any of the debris. My traveling companion calmly instructed me to keep driving as stopping with be dangerous. He telephoned the police all the while asking me if I was ok, I continued to reply yes, however, the truth was that I was far from ok. I wanted to pull over the car and cry, I wanted to cry for the people that were in that Jeep, for their friends and family, I wanted to cry for all of the hurtful things they said an now would never be able to take back, I wanted to cry for the birthdays and Christmas’s that would be had without them. I wanted to cry for the births that they would not witness, for the children that might have been the car that would never have their first kiss, that would never be told by the one that they loved “I love you too,” I wanted to cry for the kid in their class that had a crush on them that did not have the guts to tell them and now never would be able to, but most importantly I wanted to cry for me.

I wanted to cry for all of the things that I have done that I have never forgiven myself for, I wanted to cry because although I am not worthy God has speared my life once again, I wanted to cry for all of the second chances I have received and did not deserve, I wanted to cry because I can still tell my loved ones that I love them, I wanted to cry!

I was able to be a big girl and keep it in, I was able to continue to drive through all of my emotions and thoughts because I know my companion was not well enough to but would if I needed him to because that is the kind of man he is. We talked on the way to our destination and realized that if I had not switched lanes when I did that Jeep would have landed on us. We talked about if his other friend would have taken him that would have stayed in the carpool lane and might not bee here right now. We thanked God for his mercies and contemplated all of the “what ifs.” The truth is you can not anticipate what will happen to you in the next day, minute, or even the next second, you have to make a decision now about your life and how you are going to live it, what is important to you, what you want your legacy to be.

All week I have been thinking about this accident and thinking of the different possibilities of who was in the Jeep. I have been thinking about life and love and the things that we take for granted. I have been thinking about my eulogy and what the people who knew me would say about me when I die. I want great things to be written in my eulogy, I want my funeral to be a celebration of a life well lived, a life that touched and inspired everyone I came in contact with. The truth is I have to do more than want a great eulogy I have to write it, I have to write it with my actions and the way I love people, I have to write in the way I give to others and smile, I have to write it as I live my everyday life.

Life is so short and can end in unexpected ways at unexpected times so we need to learn how not to sweat the small stuff, we need to let some things go, we need to live without fear and tell the people we love that we love them, we need to also show them that we love them in the way they understand. We need to show love to the people we come in contact with on a daily basis, on our jobs, in the store, in the street, in our homes. The truth is when you die you will leave an impression on the lives that you have come in contact with; the type of impression is up to you! Live your life to positively affect the people that you come in contact with, write the eulogy that will touch the lives of others long after you have gone!

Rediscovering Kanita one month in

So it has officially been one month since I embarked on my personal journey. The truth is that I did not realize it until my brother called me to see how I was coming (and to yell at me for all of the excuses I was making). It is also true that I was not going to write anything tonight because I am busy but I have decided to stop making excuses.

After I got of the phone with Shawn I began to comtemplate my journey and the reasons for it, and the reasons that I choose to tag(invite) certain people along with me on my journey. The truth is I choose the individuals carefully, individuals who I have a close relationship with, individuals who I know will help me be the best me possible. Unfortunettly I have been dissapointed with people throughout this journey, some people I have not heard from or spoken to since beginning this journey and that is very saddening. I then had to refocuse my thoughts and realize that my life is about me, if people choose to be a part of it our accompany me on my journey then thats great however, if they choose to leave me by the wayside then I have to be ok with that as well.

I had begun to think that my journey was a waste but I know see that it has taught me a great deal, I have become a stronger person and learned to rely on myself. I have learned to make decisions that make me happy reguardless of those around me, because the truth is those around me have not been thinking about me for a long time. This journey has taught me to be ok with that, it has taught me to be ok the the phone calls that are not returned, the text message and face book relationships, with the friends who are friends when they need something and not just because they want to be friends. I know that it is very easy to become self centered, it is easy for people to be so preoccupied with their lives and their situations that they forget about the people in their lives, the only difference now is that it does not bother me, I have come to grips with it and accept it for what it is. This journey has taught me not to take the selfishness personally becuase in this aspect of life people are just not as evolved as I am.

My journey is not over, I have a long way to go. I have been working on some goals but I have also been making a good amount of excuses. Thank you Shawn for shutting me down when I try to explain my failure, that for caring enough to check in on me. Thank you Jojo for trying to keep me in church even when I did not want to go. Thank you Juile on giving me feedback and encourgement to keep pressing on.

My journey is not over but I am workign on it!

Warring in my members

“So life is hard and no one understands why For the Lord, thy God, knows the path we must take as He carefully orchestrates us like the maestro of a symphony, and it is up to us which instrument we play- eternal life or damnatation.”
So I finished the book (Warring in my members ) that I was working on this weekend, it is a very short and simple book but it was also very deep and profound! This book cause me to think, made me want to cry, and reminded me that I am not the only one struggling with something.

The truth is there is a war going on in all of us! Well I defiantly know that I do, the me that I want to be is constantly in battle with the me that I am. I truly think that it is quite difficult being Christian at times because I don’t believe that it is natural. What comes naturally to us I believe are the things that Christianity frowns upon, the things that are instinctive. I believe that sexuality is natural; the need to be loved and belong is natural. Well maybe I am being to hard on Christianity because the truth is that it is not against things that are unnatural it is just all about timing, and I have a huge problem with timing!

Anyway, this book dealt with the wars that go on in the personal lives of three Christian young women. The secrets that they carry that they are not even able to disclose to their nearest and dearest friend because the truth is no matter how much they say they don’t your friends judge you and you judge the (just a lil). It reminded me that this walk is a personal one and no matter what relationships we have the decisions that we make are all about us. So at the end of the day even though we feel bad about some of the decisions we make, we still need to make a decision. When it is all over where do we want to end up?

Rediscovery Update

Happy Thanksgiving everyone I just wanted to take time out on this day of thanks to thank God for continuing his work in me. I also wanted to touch basis with you all and tell you about my progress on my goals as the years is almost over.

I am currently reading 3 books (any normal person would read one at a time but hey what can I say I am not nor never have been normal)

Soooo I have been taking LOTS of pictures…I did a pregnant photo shoot with my beautiful friend Jojo. We had soooo much fun, although it was a great deal of work….(the real work is actually developing the film UGH)

I missed one week of Church and might have missed last week because I got there right before they were about to say the benediction. However, I was tricked into going to a Sabbath dinner when I met lots of great people and had many jokes (alone with lusting after a married grandfather lol)

I have been slacking on running because my schedule has recently changed but I will be getting back in the swing of things very soon!

I have not been going on expensive dates with myself because I am broke but I have been taking walks and just taking time to listen to myself and enjoy me time alone.

You all can see how I have been doing with writing more….I actually did write a poem but I need to get the balls to actually share that with the world

I am in the process of getting tickets for a musical and a play that I want to see

And last but not least….dealing with Ronald, Rudy and Jojo on a daily basis I laugh until I almost pee myself! Thank you guys I love you :D

I am a running failure

So real quick, about goal five and finishing 3 miles 4 times a week. UGH!!! I have been failing! There is no reason for my failure except for the fact that I don't feel like. It is annoying also becuase I can see my weight increasing and I can feel myself getting slugish... I am gonna be motivated the remainder of this week! I am going to finish my 3 miles and I have exactly 4 days left in the week. Wish me luck!

Out of the mouth of Babes

So I did not spend this Sunday out of my house culturing myself however, I did attend a soccer game. This was a not an ordinary soccer game but a game of my favorite 4 year old!!! Hummmm what can I say about it???? I was able to take about 5 pictures before he came running off the field (in the middle of the game mind you) crying. Of course I was very confused but according to him "Aunty Kanita's camera is making me nervous" *Sigh* so no more pictures of the game and about 30 mins of a temper tantrum...

So we are in the car after he finally calms down, we are driving past an area that looked familiar to him and he said "Mommy, isnt that where (some random person) dived into the water?" To which his mother replied "Not honey, she didn't dive that's where she was baptized, she was baptized why honey? Because she gave what?" And the brilliant 4 year old answered "Because she gave her life to Jesus." But here is the zingger! Here is what really got me..... I then asked him "Are you going to give you life to Jesus?" His answer to that question was one of the most deep and profound questions I have ever been asked, he responded "NO, ARE YOU?"

Wow, what a great question! Am I? When am I really going to give my life to Jesus and stop playing and pretending Christianity? When am I going to stop acting like or saying that Jesus is Lord of my life and not everything else that I put before him in my life...

Who would have though that my day at the soccer field would be a deep and spiritual one? I guess it was rightly said Out of the mouths of babes.

NO MORE EXCUSSES

Wow, wow, wow, as I sit here and write I am filled with an abundance of emotions. I sit and stare at my television in awe! In a time were black people were reduced to “colored only” section still roam the earth. When individuals who marched with Martin and stood with Malcolm and remember a time when crosses were burnt in the front porch are breathing the same air as I, we have a BLACK PRESEDENT!

On man, this means so much, as I write with tears in my eyes I remember my parents telling me “Kanita you can be what ever you want to be as long as you set your mind to it.” They also told me “Kanita you have two things against you in this world, you are a woman and you are black, you must ALWAYS work harder then the next person to achieve your goals.” I remember listening to my parents, I heard and I understood but I honestly did not believe. I knew that I lived in a land or racism and some privileges would not be extended to me because unfortunately I was born with two strikes I am a WOMAN and I am BLACK.

As I sit in MY living room a 27 year old with a masters degree, as I process the events that have just taken place I can only think of one thing. While there are so many conclusions and feelings to be derived from this historic event, one that I NEVER thought I would be alive to see, the one I want to verbalize and express is NO MORE EXCUSSES!!!!

I can no longer make excuses for my failures; YOU can no longer make excuses for your failures! Who cares that you are black? It does not matter that some people hate you because of the color of your skin or because of your sex. What matters is that you PUT IN THE WORK! Nothing worth getting in this world will come easy, everything MUST be worked for and we are no longer about to pull the race card. Tear it up! Burn it! Do what ever you need to do but DO SOMETHING because we can! PRESIDENT OBAMA has proven that it us! Yes WE can! WE CAN!!! WE CAN DO IT ALL! WE CAN DO ANYTHING WE SET OUT MINDS TO!

I did not think that day would happen in my lifetime but what I have learned on November 4, 2008 that I will share with everyone I know is that we have NO MORE EXCUSSES!